


the past beats inside me like a second heart

by ishipthat



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, BLACKWING - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Casual Intimacy, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Post-s2ep06, Set post-s2e06, almost pre-slash, birth names, casual touching, i guess, i promise there's fluff in here somewhere, mentions of dead names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 12:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12935088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishipthat/pseuds/ishipthat
Summary: Escaping from Blackwing for the second time around was a confusing, yet welcome, thing.There's always a price for freedom, and now Dirk is hearing his dead name under everybody's breath. Blackwing never really left him. How can he move forward if his past is always one step ahead?Todd brings him back to himself.





	the past beats inside me like a second heart

**Author's Note:**

> Title from John Banville's "The Sea".
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There is a fairly graphic depiction of a panic attack, and various mentions of Dirk's dead name which is very upsetting to him. 
> 
> I started writing this after episode 6 aired, so it's not quite canon compliant towards the end, but it's close enough soooooooo.
> 
> This made my heart hurt in the best way but I consider it therapy. Shout out to all the Toads

Escaping from Blackwing for the second time around was a confusing, yet welcome, thing.  

 

It’d been months, uncountable  _months_  of predict this, wrong, guess that, wrong, try harder, wrong, wrong,  _wrong_. It played on a cycle in his head, a litany of berating words that couldn’t be washed away with a splash of water or a gasp of fresh air.  

 

The sight of Farah and Todd lifted his spirits almost instantly, rolling out of the dark mental box he’d found himself in to see their surprised faces gaping back at him. Todd’s excited embrace, manic jumping, and contagious smiles had his heart feeling lighter than he’d ever remembered it being. And Farah was there too! 

 

Yet, his stomach was heavy, like someone had dropped a lead weight through his mouth and it’d somehow travelled down the length of his body without stopping. He couldn’t tell if it was a universe thing, another way his body manifested the feelings of… whatever it was he could do. But he didn’t like it either way. 

 

Settling by their car, Dirk allowed himself to take in the sight of the faces he’d blurred with his unreliable memory. Fresh, and in all their glory, they were beautiful. They were family. They were  _his._  

 

Todd approached from the passengers side, looking at him in wonder, as if he still couldn’t believe Dirk was there.  

 

“Svlad, you’re here.” Todd voice whipped through him, slicing swift and quick just left of his chest. His face must’ve dropped because Todd was advancing, edging into his space, and Dirk instinctively withdrew.  

 

“What did you just say?” And he couldn’t lift his head, couldn’t bring himself to meet Todd’s eyes, for he knew he’d find something there he didn’t want to see. 

 

The shorter man swallowed and clutched at the back of his neck nervously, looking just past Dirk’s head. “I just, I said I’m so glad you’re here.”  

 

Relief washed over him in cooling waves, his irrational panic and anger cleaned away with its cold water, bathing readily in the comfort that came with his real name. It was stupid, to think somehow Todd had learned of his past in the time he’d been away, and that he’d use it so casually. It came out of the blue like it was meant to trip him up, and Todd wasn’t perfect but he certainly wasn’t cruel.  

 

“Are you okay, Dirk? You look a bit- like, off.” Todd said, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

 

“I’m fine. Todd, I’m just, great. Fantastic even! Ready to face the world.” He pumped more false enthusiasm into his voice with every passing word, hoping it’d convince the very air around him that he was stable. He didn’t need someone to hold his hand like a child. He was strong, he'd just survived round two with Blackwing and Co, he could withstand his brains stupid games. 

 

That name, though. The way it was the embodiment of his past, his pain, and his imprisonment. Sometimes it’d flit through his thoughts in the most tormenting way, reminding himself that he hasn’t always been whole. Not that he felt whole now. He was far from that, and far from understanding how to become that. It was an unreachable ideal that, if he was honest, he was over trying to obtain.  

 

The monsters of his past took great joy in rearing their ugly heads when he was at his most comfortable – to the point where he associated comfort with vulnerability. Another fact the universe was not content with him forgetting.  

 

* * *

 

The small strip of diners and run down stores in Bergsberg was certainly nothing to write home about, but the prices were cheap enough and Dirk hadn’t had a decent meal in what felt like a year. He cheerfully dusted off his pancakes, watching Todd groggily gulp his coffee in the chair opposite.  

 

Farah had stayed at the station, discussing their strategy with Hobbs and Tina, but Todd had insisted on coffee and Dirk had insisted on accompanying him. Dirk’s paranoia was starting to lift in the face of passable breakfast foods and the quiet company of his best friend, and maybe things were looking up. So they were no closer to finding ‘the boy’ or untangling the many strings that pulled his body this way and that, but breakfast was good.  

 

The steady stream of patrons and busy workings of the diner created a low hum of sound around them. The odd yell from the kitchen and tinkle of the bell above the door added harmony to the chaos, and Dirk sunk back into the leather booth in satisfaction. His brain was on the edge of forming a possibly important thought when a voice from the other side of the room zeroed in on his ears. 

 

" _Svlad_ _!_ " The noise was followed by a jumble of voices, and seemed to have no origin at all. That didn't stop Dirk from bolting upright in frenzied confusion, scanning the surrounding area for a face that stood out. 

 

Nothing there. Nothing behind him. Nothing outside the window. No one was looking his way or paying the pair any sort of attention beyond a passing glance. He felt a shiver curl up around his neck, ricocheting down his spine and settling in his hands at a soft purr. 

 

"You ok?" Todd words snapped his attention back. The coffee cup was pressed against his chin, both hands circled around it chasing the warmth. 

 

"Yes, quite fine. I just thought I- uh, never mind." He exhaled, retracting his shaking hands from the table to sit on his lap.  

 

"Pull of the universe?" Todd asked with a lazy smile. 

 

Dirk was trying his best to imitate the look, but he was never good at translating his feelings into expressions and actions. It probably came off watery and bland to his friend, the weak smile only managing to pull at one side of his face. "Yes, something like that." 

 

* * *

 

Sleeping on the hard floor of the sheriff's station probably wasn't the strangest or least comfortable place he'd laid his head, and the stark comparison between that and the too-soft bed of his Blackwing cell helped to reinforce how thankful he was for his freedom. Dirk finally drifted off to the sounds of Todd breathing a few feet away, the ambient light outlining his small figure. It was comforting and real, and helped Dirk ground himself in the moment. 

 

When sleep came, it was never restful. 

 

The swirling blackness flickered away in a mix of neon red and deafening buzzers. The door swung open to reveal a shapeless form, swaying senselessly in the threshold of his cell. It advanced. 

 

"Project Icarus is awake." The voice, human enough, had a static rumble that made Dirk want to force himself away. Expect his body wasn't responding, held down fast with fear.  

 

"Svlad Cjelli." Another figure appeared in the doorway, flickering to the end of the bed almost instantly. "Svlad Cjelli. Await instruction." 

 

A minute passed; a cruel minute full of icy discomfort and confusion. 

 

"Svlad Cjelli, predict action." It demanded, a clipboard materialising in its arm. "Svlad Cjelli, predict action." 

 

"I can't, I don't understand what's happening." Dirk panicked, his only available movement seeming to be a full body convulsion. 

 

The black forms, one drifting towards him and the other fixed at his feet, flickered and pulsed. Their placement was.... unnatural. Everything from their voices to the air around them was interrupted by a stagnant vibration. "Svlad Cjelli, predict action. Predict action." 

 

"I don't know how! What do you want?" He was yelling, crying almost, his face scrunched up in childlike horror. 

 

"Incorrect. Svald Cjelli, predict action." 

 

A thunderous explosion blew through his ears and left them ringing, the ceiling crashing down and floor giving out, body tumbling and colliding and breaking. He screamed, that being the only action his body was capable of producing. Screaming against the pain and fright. 

 

Until he shot upright, the floor coming back together under his hands, darkness settling in as he blinked into awareness. The room came into focus, and so did Todd's face. 

 

"Dirk, fuck, are you okay?" His body shook, and he realised belatedly that Todd had him by the shoulders, shaking him in a way that should've been distressing. "Dirk?" 

 

He couldn't yet bring himself to speak but the sound of Todd's voice repeating his name cleansed away the nightmare. His warm touch travelled from his shoulders to his arms, smoothing the cold out of his skin, chasing down the horrible buzz that had wormed its way inside. Dirk took a deep breath and nodded. 

 

"You were screaming. I thought, like, you were hurt. Or something was happening." The edge of hysteria in Todd's voice reminded him that he was safe. Being touched by someone who cared for his pain. He groaned, closing his eyes against the feeling. 

 

"M'fine." He rubbed half-heartedly at his eyes. "Just a bad dream." 

 

"Okay, well," Todd sighed, moving from a crouch to sit down on the edge of Dirk's blankets. "Do you need anything? I can stay for a while, if you want." It was comforting in a way it shouldn't have been. Greedy and selfish, an all-consuming need formed to test how far Todd's boundaries and compassion could stretch. It was an exhausting ache that the other man, most likely, couldn't fill. He nodded anyway. 

 

"Please." 

 

* * *

 

The next day came in silence, stuck around in the air like a cloud, and dispersed at lunch time. Todd and Farah ambled along behind Dirk as they made their way to the diner again. Food around the station was scarce and often... questionable, under Tina's administration and the diner had become a part of their wary routine as they focused their energy on the case. The town was surprisingly busy for late afternoon, and the street was crowded with figures who all seemed to bump from person to person, swapping greetings and niceties in the warm sun. 

 

Dirk was humming, his step bouncing upon the ground rhythmically as they closed in on their destination. He brushed shoulders with a man, who quickly apologised and pushed on past Todd and Farah. 

 

"Mr Cjelli!" A voice pierced through the cacophony of sound, hitting Dirk square in the chest. He stumbled, Todd walking into his back from the unexpected action.  

 

"Oh god, not again, not now." Dirk muttered under his breath, seeming oblivious to the fact that Todd was pressed against him, one hand finding his waist to stop them from toppling over. His breathing sped up dangerously, heartbeat following close behind, sending out pulses of panic to his fingers, toes, knees, and they were buckling. Dirk probably would've found himself on the floor if it wasn't for Farah, coming up to his other side to lift his shoulder, Todd still supporting his waist. 

 

There was a distant noise, like shouting voices, but the words were jumbled. Nothing could break through the bubble of panic that was welling behind his eyes. He closed them. God, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. The name echoed again in his head, lump forming in his throat in response.  

 

"Todd, what's happening?" Farah's voice was garbled. 

 

"Shit, I don't know. Dirk? Come on, you've gotta stand up, just breathe." He could feel Todd's words in soft puffs of air upon his ear. His hands flexed on his waist, something reminiscent of the way he'd touched him the night just past. "Dirk, breathe in slowly. For me, breathe in, breathe out." The alarm was ebbing away from Todd's voice, dragging his own muddled fear along with it. He breathed, lungs spasming on an inhale, and clutched his limp arms around his middle. 

 

A finger brushed up against Todd's, and the man quickly wrapped his hand around it, squeezing gently. 

 

"I think he's having a panic attack." Dirk distantly heard Todd turning to address Farah. "Manda used to get them."  

 

"Ok, ok, are you- have you got this? Is this, normal- the breathing?" He could feel Todd nodding, and let himself relax into his warmth. 

 

Dirk focused on breathing in time with Todd, feeling the man's thumb caressing his knuckles with every exhale. At some point his eyes had closed and his senses zeroed in on the action, oddly intimate as it was, and the world returned to its normal steady pace. 

 

"I'm okay." He rasped, reluctantly dislodging himself from Todd's arms. His hands missed the feeling already, his back meeting the air that wasn't quite as warm as Todd. "Sorry, I just uh, had a very vivid and unpleasant memory. Shall we?" He gestured on shakily, avoiding their concerned faces in favour of looking towards the diner. 

 

Todd and Farah swapped a look in his periphery, and followed Dirk, flanking either side of him as they walked on. 

 

"Dirk-" Todd started. 

 

"Would it be irresponsible to have pancakes for lunch? I rather enjoyed them last time." 

 

And with that the conversation was dropped, whatever Todd had stored on his tongue, ready to spill out, was locked away again. Farah cleared her throat, probably an action intended to draw Todd's attention. He looked away with purpose, giving them their moment to converse in silent expressions. 

 

* * *

 

Darkness was often a place of reflection for Dirk. It came with the lights turning out before he was ready to sleep, or the sensory deprivation that was meant to focus him. He didn't let it, instead forced his thoughts to run wild until the lights came back on. It came back to bite him in the ass in the form of a bad habit that made it almost impossible to sleep until he'd exhausted nearly every path his mind could form. 

 

He was stuck on the events of the day, the name that called out  _again_. Dirk would've found it frustrating if he wasn’t ludicrously terrified by the whole thing. The universe wasn't always subtle, it wasn't always a hunch to walk this way, or a soft pull to catch a bus, or a chance encounter with a stranger. Sometimes it was screaming and yelling and torturous memories that clawed its way into the daylight. 

 

The implications made him dizzy. 

 

It made sense that the last few months of testing had spilled into his life now. The name they'd battered into his head was bound to stick around for a while, even if it made his skin crawl and mind bend back around to his tangled childhood. Days of being someone called Svlad, a willowy stranger that'd once occupied his body, used his mouth to say nothing much, used his hands to fail over and over. 

 

He'd cast that person aside, dispelled it from his body because it never belonged there. Or maybe it did, and it was coming back to reclaim the space Dirk had been filling in the meantime. His freedom would always be borrowed. 

 

The days barrelled on, and predictably the case went south in the face of his growing doubt. He could feel the debt the universe was forcing him to repay, the mounting cost of his freedom expanded and claimed life, and happiness, and he could hardly bare to watch it. There was a suspense after every fall in the case, like he was standing on the edge of a great precipice that crumbled rapidly around him until he was alone on a pillar watching the chaos below, unable to help or control it. 

 

“Svlad!” 

 

The sound of Priest breezing through the Cardenas house was just enough to snap him out of his catatonic state. Seeing Todd's head whip around at the sounds of that name made his stomach lurch tremendously. That was it.  _Game over_. They were all dead. 

 

Nothing in the world could stop Priest. Not the projects, not the universe, and certainly not him.  

 

He crawled onto the bed, occupying the space as if he was already back in his cell. Assuming the position he would now spend the vast majority of his time in was as natural as breathing. Todd's incessant and pointless ramblings did nothing to curb the placid acceptance of their fate. 

 

"Little Svlad Cjelli." Was all he heard, the footsteps drawing closer. He knew then, that all the death and danger, all of it was his fault. No one deserved to have been dragged into his whirlwind, the powers he couldn't understand or control, the way it bulldozed through his life and created a path that could only lead back to Blackwing. 

 

"I deserve to go back." But Todd was still talking, this endless noise that wouldn't  _quit_. Why wasn't he running? God, Dirk was going to get him killed. He deserved to have Todd taken away from him. 

 

He slumped himself back into the bed, feeling the warm line of Todd as he crawled on – the last memory of him he'd ever get – pressing against him. And then, the bed jerked. 

 

It was like the shocked sparked awake the pulling in his stomach, a thread electrocuting his hope. This was... something. This was a thing.  

 

They slammed back into the bed together, rocking manically to the sounds of Priest breaking down the door. Gunshots accompanied the sensation of smacking through the wall, which should've hurt, but it gave way to what felt like a river that dragged them under a fast current and into the fresh air. 

 

They tumbled onto the forest bed and Dirk laid still, panting, aware that for some reason the universe wasn't done with him. He'd been thrust into another place against his will, to survive, to save Todd. This wasn't redemption, and it did not change a thing. He curled in on himself before rolling over to sit up, watching Todd clamber to his feet. 

 

He was looking wildly at Dirk, unaffected by their sudden change in location. 

 

"Woah." He murmured, checking Dirk up and down as he patted himself for injuries. "You okay?" 

 

There was a moment of silence, Dirk's head still stuck back in that room, meters away from Mr Priest and his gun.  

 

"You heard it, didn't you?" He looked down at his hands, wriggling nervously in his lap. His voice was too soft for the setting. 

 

He watched Todd cock his head out of the corner of his eye, stepping closer.  

 

"You heard my- that name. The one they-" He sighed heavily, the air shaking out of his throat. 

 

"Dirk, we're safe. Come on, we've gotta go and find Amanda, we've gotta save her." Todd pulled at his arm, trying to jerk Dirk out of his frozen state. He could tell it wasn't working, that there was something he needed to address first. 

 

"Don't you see that this is all my fault?" He whispered, turning finally to look up at Todd. "I should've gone back with them, I shouldn't have come with you. I'm dangerous, Todd. And you're stupid for following me for this long." He fought the lump in his throat, frowning heavily. 

 

Todd was still then, finally. His outstretched hand fell away and he looked... soft, and confused. "What are you talking about? Whatever names that guy used for you, they're not you." 

 

The frustration bubbled up again and he balled his hands into fists, used them to punch himself off the ground angrily. "Don't you see who I am, Todd? I'm only going to get you killed!" 

 

"That's not-" 

 

He could feel it then, the anger of the universe. It dragged his eyebrows down, clasped around his heart like a vice, squeezing the truth from him. Becoming Dirk had only hurt people and turned the tides against him - not that they’d ever been particularly in his favour.  

 

“I’m Svlad Cjelli!" He shouted. "I've always been Svlad Cjelli. I  _deserve_  to be Svlad Cjelli. Dirk Gently never existed. He’s a fantasy and one I was never worthy of having. I didn't deserve it then, and I certainly don't deserve it now! You need to leave before they follow us here and kill everyone.” His last words broke around a sob. 

 

Todd stepped into his space, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. "Dirk, come on-" 

 

"No! You can't- you shouldn’t." Ripping himself away, Dirk turned around to get the sight of Todd's concerned face out of view. He couldn't bare it. The only thing that could make him truly selfish was Todd. He shouldn't want to stay, he shouldn't make Dirk want to stay. 

 

"Dirk." He said, firmer now. "I know these past few days have been tough for you, but you can't blame yourself. You can't blame this all on- I don't know,  _whatever_ it is you are. You're just a person, Dirk, and I need your help. I need you." 

 

"You'll only get hurt." He had to keep his resolve, and remain as stubborn as he always was. Stubbornness and defiance were his defining characteristics. 

 

"Do you think I give a shit? We've already come this far and I can't- fuck,  _I can't do this_  without you. I don't care what you are, I don't care who you were, because right now you're my friend, my best friend, and that's the person I need." Todd was heaving, his breath coming out in manic pants as he tried to get around to meet Dirk's eyes. 

 

He let him. Dirk could feel how easy it would be to relax into this moment, let Todd talk him down and stay by his side now. Possibly forever. 

 

"I don't know who I am anymore, Todd." Their eyes met, fury and sadness clashing at last.  _“_ One things for sure. Whoever I am, the universe keeps pulling me back to you. It wasn’t just the Spring case. And you’re good, Todd, you are a good thing.” The words floated through the air, and he waited to see what the universe would do with them, whether they'd carry them through or shut them down. Either way, it was done, his hands were up and surrendering to its will. 

 

Todd looked taken aback, stumbling a little more into Dirk space. "I'm not-" 

 

"You're the best thing I have!" Dirk really hadn't meant to shout, but the trail of Todd's words were leading towards an argument of self-worth that Dirk really didn't want to revisit. "And I need you." 

 

“I, I need you too. Think I always have.” Todd huffed out something that sounded vaguely like a laugh, but could've been choked relief. He'd won; he'd talked Dirk down and he was resigned to his fate, whatever it would be. "Listen, Dirk, we'll find Amanda and solve this case, but no matter what happens I'll be there with you." 

 

Dirk sighed in frustration, clenching his jaw and sending all his hope out into the universe, praying that Todd was right. "I don't deserve you." 

 

"Shut up, yes you do. You deserve more than me." Todd looked away then, seeming to notice how close they were standing. He scratched at the side of his head and gulped before speaking again. "When we get back, don't- don't leave me again, okay? Promise me." 

 

"You know I can't-" 

 

"Promise me, Dirk. Promise you'll stay this time." There was something about the set of his jaw, the determined look in his eyes that sparked furiously at Dirk. He knew Todd was aware it wasn't his fault that he was taken, but something about false promises gave the illusion of stability when they were hopeless. God, he wanted to stay with Todd more than he'd wanted anything before, the yearning ran deep and hot in his veins.  

 

"I promise." He whispered. His hands did something funny then, coming up without permission to find Todd's, their fingers sliding together in a loose grip. Todd looked down at them, squeezed Dirk, and swallowed.  

 

When Todd looked back up it was with an expression of pain and sadness. "You have no idea what it was like, without you. Not knowing where you were, if you were even alive. I couldn't- I can't stand it." His eyes filled with tears and Dirk almost gasped – he'd never known someone to care for him so much. It was dizzying.  

 

Again, his body moved before his mind, surging forward to circle his arms around Todd's middle, their chests pressed together with force. He heard the shorter man stutter before clinging desperately to Dirk's back, his hands moving and grasping and clutching at the fabric of his shirt. Todd buried his head in Dirk's shoulder, breathing deeply. Dirk's hand came up to rest on the back of Todd's neck, and he realized how overwhelmingly perfect it felt to be so close to a person he'd give his life for. The touching, the intimacy, all things he'd never comfortably experienced in his recent memory. The sensation barreled into him with unrelenting force. 

 

"I can't handle how much I care for you, Todd. Please, just, don't let anything happen." The words couldn't do justice to the feeling, but luckily Todd just pressed tighter into him. 

 

"I'm not leaving you." He said, voice laced with soft admission, as if it meant more than he was saying, or more than he could bring himself to understand. Dirk couldn't let go, the moment a never-ending constant that couldn't be broken by pulling away and carrying on with what they came there for. 

 

Eventually, they relaxed, moved out of each others space reluctantly as time passed them by far too quickly. The world re-centered itself, siphoning off Dirk's pain as it settled, and they walked onward through the trees.  

 

All the echoes of his past name met their end, dying out as Todd fell in line at his side, his hand delicately reaching for Dirk's as they went.  


End file.
